Set Backs and Perfection

image taken from: http://awakenedvibrations.tumblr.com/post/74010991698/the-fifteen-major-tests-of-the-spiritual-path

So, if you look at when my last entry was it has been quite sometime since I have last written. And like the beginning of most of my journal entries I feel the need to apologize for my lack of consistency and mention how much has happened and how much time has passed and state a resolve to do better to document my life. But I am not sure if I can make such promises here. If you could see all the drafts I have composed and the ideas and direction I have already started you could see I was on the right track. I wasn't always being lazy.

I began this blog ready and willing to go! And then an interesting thing happened. The months of retrospection before starting this blog and the reflection that happened while writing took an interesting turn. As I was beginning my second entry and writing a few entries that would be later on I hit my emotional wall. As I was making connections of events in my life I had some repressed memories come up which brought up many strong emotions which were for lack of a better word paralyzing. I could not sit down and write without having an emotional breakdown. I could not revisit my past without wanting to turn tale and run. With all my work in the emotional release therapies I had done over the past several years I obviously still had some things to work on. And I reached a point where I couldn't. 

So we put it on hold. And then of course life happens. And we get busy and this blog got pushed aside and every time it was thought of was with feelings of guilt, and anxiety. And the thing that I really wanted to do became the thing that I "have to do." The internal pressure I put on myself overwhelmed me and I didn't fell like I could do it. I was not meeting my "deadline" I felt like I was disrupting some cosmic plan. That I lacked the faith to write this, that by not following through on the impressions I received  I was letting down God. I wasn't doing what He needed me to do or helping whomever He needed me to reach.  And I felt I was letting myself down.  Reading other people's work and seeing their talent in writing and being able to put ideas and words in such brilliant ways made me feel extremely inadequate. I felt like I was not strong enough, or smart enough or talented enough or motivated enough to work on something like this.  

I want my blog and my story to be something worth reading. I've had this idea in my head that I need to make everything "perfect" before sending it out into the world. Nicely packaging up all my vulnerability into a nice little bow, laying it out just so before showing it to anyone. But I have come to realize that that is not what this blog is for. That is not what my story is about. For years I have tried to overcome these ideas of "perfection" these black and white, all or nothing attitudes of how my life needs to be. How I need to be. How I need to look. Hiding behind these masks of pretension. I have more often then not, gotten stuck in these narrow views. And many times I have had to learn things the hard way in order to get out of my own way. 

So yes this blog is not always going to be coherent or grammatically correct. I may be redundant and I might repeat myself (catch that? That was a joke.) My story might not always be concise or pretty or dare I say it, "Perfect." But I am embracing the fact that, neither am I. I remember being taught something from one of my Temple Workers in the Baptistry at the Timpanogos Temple when I was in high school, Sister Walker. She told me something her Stake President said during Stake Conference, "The only perfect being who ever lived was not a perfectionist." Well that's good enough for me. This blog is supposed to be about me and my story, and sometimes to get to know someone you need to see all the flaws and the raw edges. And I can promise you plenty!

I am now months behind in my perceived "deadline" but maybe there is a reason for that. One thing I know is that God works with our weaknesses and short comings. And He has plenty of Plan Bs when we fail to do what He asked to do in the first place. That is one of the many very nice things of having someone in your corner who knows the "End from the Beginning" So I'm starting again. To tell you the truth I'm not entirely sure where... I have plenty of drafts and notes and ideas and wonderful edits done by my friend Amber. Now I am just figuring out if that is the direction I need to go. But I'm jumping in with both feet. "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." For those of your who have taken and will take the time in the future to read these, thank you for taking this journey with me.

~Fairy Tales & Once Upon A Times~

                                   Photo by: Katy Ives

Almost every little girl grows up hearing Fairy Tales and things that happened “Once Upon a Time.” We watch Disney films and dress up in princess dresses and play with our dolls, sometimes pretending to be them, and other times playing the heroine in our own stories. We all have our favorites. Mine was Ariel from the Little Mermaid and, for years, my favorite fairy tale was 12 Dancing Princesses. 

Just after I graduated from high school, I saw a film that gave me a new favorite heroine and fairy tale. The movie was Penelope.  While she is technically not a princess, anyone who has read or watched A Little Princess knows that ALL girls are princesses. So, for me, Penelope is a Princess.

For those of you who have not seen this movie, I would recommend that you drop everything and watch it. Until then, I will give a brief synopsis, which may or may not contain spoilers.

Penelope was born into a wealthy, blue blood family that appears to have no problems, except for the family curse. A great-great-great-grandfather decided to have a fling with a servant girl and, of course, she got pregnant. He, at first, wanted to marry her, but his family thought it was laughable since she was “just a servant girl.” Ultimately, he married someone more “suitable,” and the servant girl threw herself off a cliff. Nice beginning to the story right?

The servant girl’s mother was also the town witch, and she wanted the blue bloods to feel the pain of rejection that her daughter experienced. So she cursed them that the next daughter born into the family would be born with the face of a pig. "Only until one of her own kind accepts her as their own, ‘til death do you part, will the spell be broken!"

Naturally, every young bride feared being the first to give birth to a girl. As fate would have it, they all had sons, who had all sons, who had all sons… until Penelope.

Her parents were devastated, but there was nothing that they could do except hide her from the press who were clamoring for a peek at the pig face girl. Ultimately, Penelope’s mother faked her daughter’s death and locked her away for 25 years, which were spent becoming the ideal bride.

When she was 18, her mother hired the matchmaker to the rich and famous, but every young suitor that saw Penelope would freak out and jump out the window. (Wow! That would make you feel pretty good about yourself!) For 6 years, she watched as every guy recoiled in horror.

Finally, Penelope couldn't take it anymore. She realized her mom was never going to give up on the idea of finding her a husband, and she was tired of waiting for the day she could start living her life. So she ran away from home and went on a journey of self-discovery. She met new friends who helped her along the way and showed her the world that she had never been a part of before.

On her journey, Penelope discovered that she was more than her face and that she was someone worth noticing. In the moment that she accepted herself just the way she was, she broke her own curse.  She didn't need some prince to change her. She had the power all along. Love and acceptance of herself was what made all the difference and were the only powers she needed.

I love this story because I finally have a princess whose story is like mine.  No, I was not born with the face of a pig, but I can tell you that, for years, I had thought I had been cursed...

I was not locked up for 25 years, but I was trapped by my own insecurities and low self esteem. And like Penelope, I waited for the day that my life would be different, and for somebody to make it happen for me.

So here is my story...

Purpose & Introduction ~

My name is Nikki Robison Nelson. I am almost 26 years old. I reside with my wonderful husband Aaron in Lindon, Utah. We’ll have been married for 2 years in October, and it has been the happiest time of my life!

We both work as managers at a book store while Aaron is finishing school. It may seem crazy that a husband and wife work together, but it is a joy for us. Anyone who has ever been around us knows that we are completely nauseating. And I think we will still act like we are in our honeymoon stage 20 years down the road.

I am a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. An "Orthodox Mormon," if you will. I have a very strong testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ, and what He has done for me and the active role He continues to play in my life.

I am originally from Heaven, :) but I was born and raised in Utah. I have the most wonderful parents in the entire world!  They have taught and raised me well and continue to be a huge blessing to me. I got my vocal inflections and sense of humor and deep Patriotism from my Mom, and I hope I have inherited some of my Dad's kindness and endless patience.

There are 6 kids in my family, 4 boys and 2 girls and we range from 27-11, which made growing up a lot of fun. :)  We don't always get along, but I still love them all very much. We grew up listening to Earth, Wind and Fire, Billy Joel, and Elton John. We had a good childhood filled with old movies and Star Trek: Next Generation, playing outside, and battling each other on Super Nintendo. We also spent many hours at our parents’ photography studio, which felt like a second home.

I love reading anything by Jane Austen and watching period pieces like Downton Abbey and Anne of Green Gables. I enjoy history and watching documentaries, but also appreciate and have a weird obsession with shows like Hoarders, and Extreme Couponing.  And Aaron and I still watch cartoons and Disney Movies!

I want to learn to play guitar and piano, and take voice lessons. I love to dance and have been taking Belly Dance classes on and off for about 5 years. I also enjoy West Coast Swing. I dance around the house and sing in the car at the top of my lungs. I have an impeccable memory for movie quotes and I can do a pretty spot on impression of Kari from the Incredibles. 

The name for this blog has a lot of personal meaning for me and it took a while to come up with. I wanted something meaningful that would stand out and show a little bit about me. “Padawan Warrior Princess” is a combination of a couple nicknames I've had.

"Padawan Learner" came from one of my best friends, Jon. He was known by some of his friends as "Master Jedi." I guess because I was a younger I, by default, became "Padawan Learner" Truth be told, I am not a Star Wars fan, but this nickname was given affectionately and I love it!

"Warrior Princess" came from one of my high school friends who would spend lunch time spinning fantastic tales about "Nikki, Warrior Princess & Her Army of Red Crickets!" I'm not sure what inspired them, but it was fun to hear stories with me as the heroine. I remember how excited my friend Dan became when he discovered that my name, Nicole, means "Victory of the people."  It just made the stories so much cooler.

I decided to put these two names together because they represent an eternal truth about me: I am Learning.  I am Fighting. And I am a Princess.

I believe everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has experiences that have shaped them into who they are. My story may not be the most dramatic or as remarkable as others’ triumphs over adversity, but the things that I have gone through have been unique, and the things that I have learned from them should not be discredited.

My story is about overcoming years of insecurity, low self esteem, and incorrect beliefs that I had about myself. And, literally, it took years to conquer those demons and come to realize that I am beautiful. My life has meaning and purpose, and I am literally a Daughter of God.

The idea of a blog has existed for a couple of years now, when a family friend who has been made aware and is familiar with my situation suggested that I write it. But it was never something I thought to do or even really could do until a couple months ago when I felt really strongly that I needed to write my story.

The purpose of this is still unclear to me. Whether this is just supposed to be for my own records or for some greater purpose. But I really hope that by me sharing my story it will help someone who has been in a similar situation. Anyone who has ever felt insecure, or was told that they were not beautiful, or has been picked on and disregarded. If there is something that I could say that could help just ONE person know that they are of worth, that they are loved and that everything will be okay then everything I have gone through, all the pain, all the hurt and anguish and the tears and sorrow and years of waiting will be worth it. Just for ONE person.

So whoever that one person is.... this is for you.